My college-career began 10 years ago. I call it a career because I got pretty experienced in being a college student. My first college experience began in 2010. I was very eager, dedicated and brave and I decided to study physics.
I always had a neck for physics. Actually, I was always a decent student. I had a scholarship from a private high-school and was “okay” at every class. Although I enjoyed physics and natural sciences in general, I wasn’t very good at math. I never prepared for an exam, prepared a homework or anything related to school. I just listened and lived by. It was enough for me to get a C without any work done.
When I started college, it was different. I didn’t know anybody, I sucked at meeting new people but eventually I made some friends that were different than me in every level. At that time, I had no idea about depression. But in time, I started to fail every class and realized that I had to study harder. And to study harder was a lot difficult than I imagined.
I stayed in that university for 2 years. Passed only 2 exams. I didn’t even wake up to get to the exams most of the time. And there were two roads for me to choose:
– Continue and try until I graduate.
– Quit and start over.
I created a different road and started over in a different country. I thought that the reason I sucked at college was that I was too deep in my comfort zone and I had to step out of it to push my boundaries. Now that I think about it, actually makes sense. But it only made things worse.
I moved to Germany and started studying engineering physics. My family spent a lot of money to send me there. And I was feeling that pressure everyday. Moving to Germany changed nothing in my life. I still didn’t care about anything. I still couldn’t focus on anything and I still didn’t know what to do. And the feeling of guilt was just too much.
Eight thousand euro. That’s a lot of money for a small family like mine. And like that’s not enough, I was failing every class again. And had to face yet another dilemma:
– Going back to my country and facing failure
– Staying in Germany and trying to fight a battle that had been already lost.
After my first year, I knew I had to go back. Because everyday I spent there was just a waste of time. I was working part-time and getting drunk full-time. I had no social life other than bars and clubs, I had no friends other than co-workers and I had insomnia.
My alcohol problem began during this period. I started drinking because otherwise I couldn’t sleep because of guilt. Thinking I betrayed my family, I betrayed my father’s hard work, I betrayed my mother’s love… This drove me crazy. How could I go back to my country and tell them I couldn’t pass any class? What was the problem?
Whatever the problem was, I eventually found the strength in myself and came back to my country. I told my family that I couldn’t do it there and had to come back. I remember my father’s reaction back then: “Fuck you.”
But that was it. I had a few panic attacks in the first few months and then started my depression treatment. Right now I am in my 3rd college and everything is getting better. Probably because I’m not studying physics this time.
Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment and tell us about your study life.
To read about my other depression stories click here: Depression Stories
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