depression and alcohol

I’d like to start the article by stating that this is not a post to advocate Alcoholism. It’s a serious issue and I have been through a lot to get over with it. Now, I’m 3 years sober without a support group or rehab but it feels like only an ignite is enough to bring it all back. Depression is a perfect gateway for Alcoholism and if not careful, can hunt you too.

My Alcoholism started mainly when I was a student in Germany. Alone, working at nights as a bartender and trying to keep a balance in my life. I didn’t realize that I was in depression back then. I was aimless, and my grades at the university were just awful. I ceased attending the classes after a while and tried to stay alive because I was unable to sleep at night is and I couldn’t wake up before 6 pm. Even when I didn’t work. I used to come home at 1 am after work and then couldn’t sleep till 7 am in the morning.

So, I started drinking. I drank until I pass out and it was a solution to my insomnia. Plus, I got to do fun stuff like going out and meeting fun people. Normally, I would just stay at home, watch Friends or a movie to pass time. Because my mind was shut down. It felt like alcohol made my brain work again, for a brief time.

I love writing poems and stories. But when I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t able to think. It’s the depression now that I see. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all, let alone writing poetry. But when I drink, I was able to write loads of poems at a night. Not all of them were good of course, but once I work on them, they can be promising pieces. Alcohol brought creativity and fun into my life.

Now, thinking about those days, I still am at the same point. Whatever alcohol did to me, it was just an illusion. It only made me do things that perhaps I normally could do but for some reason, I can’t. It wasn’t a solution but only clouding the problem. Which later, leads to greater problems.

With alcohol, I made myself think that everything was okay as long as I keep drinking and as long as I have the money to buy alcohol. But after a point, my body started to give signals. One sip of coke and my stomach would feel like it’s gonna explode. I used to look like shit and my study life, well, was over. I dropped out and focused on working.

Alcohol, combined with depression was hell for me. Main symptoms of depression, such as feeling guilty, feeling inadequate, lack of self-confidence and self-control, all contribute to being an alcoholic. If you are in a depression, in my opinion, it is easier to become an addict to anything. Because you are looking for something to hold on, something to live for and something, perhaps, to postpone your suicide. Alcohol looks like a solution to all these but it only covers the dirt and in the end, you end up with a pile of garbage that you can’t even pick up. So, to people with depression, I recommend staying away from alcohol as much as possible.

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